Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Non Fiction Story Draft
“Just ask your mom if I can stay over the night.” The warmth of our merged lips shielded us from the October air and the breath circulated in each other’s hoods dampening the dry air between. Together we were like a portable space heater that winter, warming wherever we went, turning many cold cut notches into cozy nooks oblivious to the snow, the chill and the biting wind. “Do you think she’ll go for it, she likes me right?” Maybe if I convinced her to stay I could stay more often, who knows maybe I could move out. Wouldn’t that be something? Would they have ever thought this ‘wild’, young teenager could pull that one off? I wondered what ‘wild’ meant anyway. Did it mean thinking for yourself, or not thinking at all, either way I was inclined to do either above what I had seen so far in my short time. “Yes. She’ll probably let you stay, I’ll ask her later.” Our fingers intertwined burrowing back in forth inside each others jackets like a prairie dog who can’t decide which tunnel he wants to camp in. Like a millionaire boat captain our hands sailed over each other, chartering new harbors and setting off again with the aimless flapping of the rudder. “That would be great; we will be able to spend so much more time together.” Funny, how in our most cunning moments we are often at our weakest, forced onto choices like a boxer straddling the ropes. To the left, an unpitying crowd thirsty for blood, to the right, a hell bent opponent striving for his title. I guess in moments of indecision lacking the vision of better options a person just ends up picking the path that seems most interesting.
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I will have this lengthened up a bit and re-posted by Tuesday.
ReplyDeleteLike it so far, interested in reading more!
ReplyDeleteOne section is a little confusing... Where the person you're with asks to stay the night and the two of you talk about asking your mom. You say 'Maybe if I convinced her to stay I could stay more often, who knows maybe I could even move out.' Don't really get the connection. If she, being the girl youre with (?) stays you can stay where more often? So far youve only discussed your house. Also, how does moving out fit in?
There are lots of loose ends, such as who you're with and their significance, if they have any. It is an interesting intro and you'll probably explain more as you add on but since I'm reading it now I wanted to comment on what was here!
I'm actually talking about her house and my wanting to move in there when I was young, rebellious and just wanting to be anywhere but home. I guess I need to clarify that better, maybe you can help me with the wording. I guess for me developing her character isn't as important because the point I want to try and make with this story is how a person's ethics and the way they think about their choices and the consequences change over time. From this paragraph about our relationship I'm going straight into one about my "old" friends and what they did/are doing and then one about what I'm going through presently. My goal is have a backdrop behind the story made of ethics and how we set our boundaries as people and whether those boundaries are born into us or they are learned throughout our lives(you know like the saying "all we are is a collection of our outside influences", I'm trying to flirt with whether that is true or not in the story), what we experience and those we meet. Hopefully I can create this backdrop of ethics solely with the story telling but I do also like to put some old-timey reflective lines in there too.
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